David Trottier
(Screenwriter's Bible)April 30, 2009: David Trottier
Dave Trottier is the author of The Screenwriter’s Bible and a produced screenwriter with ten scripts sold or optioned. As a script consultant he provides absolute honesty at reasonable rates, and evaluates screenplays in 14 key screenwriting areas. Hundreds of his clients and students have sold their work or advanced their writing careers. For a free newsletter and information, visit http://www.keepwriting.com

This is exciting stuff! I refer to both the script-in-progress and to the opportunity to comment on it. The screenplay is wonderfully imaginative and fast-paced. I’ll first comment briefly on the first 60 pages, then on the 14 pages I was asked to evaluate, and finally conclude with a few suggestions on where to go from here.

The first 60 pages

I have three main suggestions for improvement.

1. Clarify, simplify, and unify story elements. There is plenty of action and twists, and the pacing is generally fast. However, some twists are not as effective as others. For instance, the discovery that Julian is a robot stretches the genre and the credibility of the story. The robot seems far too advanced for the time and its introduction expands the sci-fi element. I thought this was a spy movie. In the revision, stick to just one technologically advanced device or give Julian a wonderfully inventive purpose at or towards the end of the movie; also, foreshadow the possibility of Julian’s existence in the first act. Create a mystery around him, but do not let him take over the story.

Who is the story about – Walter and Ava, or Jonas? Keep the focus on Jonas. What is the story about? It seems that there are about two or three goals now for our intrepid heroes. I recommend one overall goal. What’s the one main thing Jonas must do at the end? Also, did the Chinese contribute to the creation of the Conquest or not? What is the sole purpose of the Conquest’s creation? Simplify and clarify. Keep your characters and your audience focused.

2. Make the story more realistic. Naturally, your audience will suspend their disbelief for an actioner like this, but only to a point. For example, it’s difficult to believe that Walters, a seasoned government operative, would allow teenagers to tag along. What’s his motivation for that? It’s unprofessional and unwise. You’re better off with the teenagers doing things on their own or inserting themselves into the situation so that Walters has no choice but to include them. The more believable your characters’ actions, the more impactful those actions will be.

3. Make Nora a more endearing love interest. Nora is little more than a tag-along. Give her more to do. Make her a contributor. Give her a talent, gift, or skill that makes her more useful to the team. In addition, show us why Jonas and Nora belong together. Opposites attract, so give them opposite but complementary traits. Show one inspiring the other, or show one coming alive in the presence of the other. Perhaps one should overcome a flaw for the other. I’m not looking for deep development, just an enhanced relationship with which the audience can become more emotionally involved.

Your 14 pages (pages 61-74)

The scenes are well-conceived, and the formatting looks generally correct. You provide plenty of action, but you also slow down occasionally for character moments. In addition, you add humor where appropriate. That’s all good!

The dialogue is natural, but would benefit from a few more original expressions. For example, the second, third, and fourth speeches on page 2 work just fine, but consider this: Given these three characters’ unique personalities, how might they actually make these points? I think you could have more fun here. On page 14, Freddie says, “I’m going to regret this.” That’s pretty standard stuff. What’s a more original and more interesting way for Freddie to phrase this?

Your opening interview between Cable and McMann is perfect, plus you add the nice visual touch of the Conquest retreating into the sky.

On pages 2-3, I like Nora repeating “Guys” every so often. On pages 3-6, you present some riveting action. There is one problem; how do these people survive the spray of bullets and all of the collisions? The bullet-ridden car is T-boned and ripped in half. Half of it smashes into a tree; the other half jumps the meridian and lands on its roof. All five passengers step out without a scratch. In my view, the car crashes need to be less horrific and a little more plausible.

You have a touching character moment that enhances the love story on pages 6 and 7. Jonas says “I won’t let you die” on page 6 and “Of course I did” on page 7. By the way, what’s the expression on his face when he says “Of course I did”? Describe it, and allow your reader to get inside him a little. In other words, involve your audience emotionally with your characters. This is a cinematic moment—it’s okay to milk it a little.

The chase continues. You have a lovely reversal at the top of page 9. Cable turns on the thermal imager. But then we have another “believability issue.” The incredibly advanced Conquest is not incredibly accurate. It just keeps missing and missing. Let our heroes come up with solutions that keep Conquest from firing too much. In other words, make your heroes more inventive than lucky.

Eventually, Cable ignites the vapor geysers at the top of page 11. Of course, you can’t have him consciously do that. His goal is to retrieve the prism, and he believes these teenagers have the prism. So he can’t incinerate them. In fact, after the explosion, I suggest you have him lament that although the targets have been destroyed, the prism has been destroyed as well. Naturally, on page 12, Raul will tell him that he (Raul) has the prism.

On page 13, Jonas realizes what must be done. His confession that “I’m not a spy” is effective. He’s being level-headed, and that makes his next statement inspiring. Hopefully, this foreshadows his future growth. Perhaps at the end, he will have become a spy in his own right.

Where to go from here (pages 75 on)

In writing the next 10-15 pages, keep the following issues in mind.

Avoid the temptation to create a twist just to create a “cool surprise” or “shocking twist.” Consider future ramifications of any twists or surprises, and try to tie in disparate or contradictory elements of the script. For example, think about narrowing down Jonas’s objectives to one main ultimate objective. Likewise, for the bad guys – give them one clear and nefarious goal. Try to visualize how this movie might end, and steer the characters toward that point.

At the moment, we are at a low point for the action story (things look grim) and at a high point for the emotional story (thinks look good for Jonas and Nora). I think you can give Nora more to do from this point forward. The three (Jonas, Nora, and Freddie) need to be a team of equals. You might consider eliminating Freddie in some way, so that it’s just Nora and Jonas against the bad guys. Perhaps, Freddie could be separated from the rest. Also, from this point forward, Jonas needs to take the lead among the forces for good. Perhaps his next move should be successful to some degree followed by a crushing reversal.

Action stories thrive on reversals. For example, the hero is pushed out of a plane, but he has a parachute, but it doesn’t work, but he has an emergency chute which opens, but the bad guy is descending on him with a knife. And so on, back and forth.

Naturally, the action must continue to build. You need to up the stakes, or add a deadline of some kind (Jonas only has 24 hours, for example), or create an unforeseen complication. Julian could fall into the hands of Cable, or Jonas could kidnap Julian to help him infiltrate Cable’s lair (and figuratively enter the belly of the beast or innermost cave). Maybe Jonas and Nora can make Cable (and the reader) believe that he’s doing one thing when he’s really doing something else. Keep in mind that each main character represents a subplot. What is each character motivated to do next?

Finally, read the first 74 pages carefully. Look for opportunities to use characters, objects, skills, and clues from those pages in your pages. That will give the story a greater sense of unity. Good luck with the next ten pages. I’m looking forward to seeing the story continue to unfold.

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