Eric Friedman
(Crank Yankers)May 12, 2009: Eric Friedman
A few caveats before I begin:

1) I am primarily a TV writer.
2) I am a comedy writer, who has never written anything in the action/adventure genre.
3) Yes, that picture of me was from my J-Date profile. (Sorry ladies. You missed the boat - I’m off the market now. Oh, and also, you can probably do better…)

My point (at least in #’s 1&2) is that I have been asked to give my “comedy take” on this script, and I am honored to have been asked to participate. The script you have written definitely has a lot of potential for adding some funny.

One more thing, and then I promise to stop caveat-ing: Writing a screenplay alone is ridiculously hard. But I think writing a screenplay with 10 other writers is way harder (so, hats off to all who have participated.) You are boxed in by what has come before you, and committed to choices that you probably would not have made. And yet you cannot go back – only forward. Consequently, most thoughts I have about what has already been written are really just notes for the eventual re-writer of the script. I do, however have some thoughts about the newest winning pages, and some advice for the writers taking us down the script’s home stretch. Let me address those first…

These most recent 12 pages had a different tone from the rest of the script and some ideas, plot-lines, and scene settings that were new to the story. I also thought the characters sounded different than they did for the first 73 pages of the script.

Here’s the thing though – these 12 pages are my favorite pages in the script so far. I do not know the name of the person who wrote them, but I applaud you for the chances you took, and for being unafraid to take the pages you had been given, and infuse them with what has ultimately been missing from the script thus far: A Distinct Tone.

Tone is the very first thing that the re-writer of this script should work on. Is this a Bourne-esque spy thriller with non-stop action and intrigue? If it is – and it very well could be – then please stop reading this now. I will not pretend to know how to write that kind of movie.

But… my gut feeling is that this is not what kind of movie this should be. Once you introduce a nerdy high school spy wannabe as the main character, you’ve taken this movie in a different direction – a more comedic direction, and the script should ultimately fit this tone. In my opinion, the tone, and potential logline for this movie is summed up perfectly by a line of Freddie’s to Jonas, on page 72: “You’re not a spy. You’re just some stupid teenager from the suburbs who plays too much Splinter Cell.” Boom – there’s your movie. I’m actually jealous of whoever gets to re-write this script, because there is so much potential here! Which brings me to the next major thing that needs to be considered to really bring this movie to life: Characters.

The characters are what will make this movie funnier. As it reads now, I don’t have a great feel for these characters – especially, and most importantly, Jonas. We obviously learn the first time we meet him that he is obsessed with spy stuff, but my impression was that the espionage world was still a fantasy-world to him – one that he has dreamed about, but never participated in. So he shouldn’t be so calm the first time he sees his jovial, benevolent older neighbor wielding a Glock 9 mm and typing codes into his microwave. He should be freaking the eff out when he picks up the gun the first time himself and loads the clip?! He’s too blasé about what’s happening – and that’s not as much fun for the viewer.

But by tweaking his character, you can make him the proverbial fish out of water, and then every situation that he finds himself in will be infinitely funnier, and far more compelling. He’s not a spy! He’s only a spy in his fantasy world of home surveillance equipment and Splinter Cell. Think about the scene at McMann’s house, when Jonas has his big A-Ha moment, pointing out that McMann mentioned the Chinese even though he never said anything about them to her. How funny would it be if Freddie, or Nora said something like, “Oh my god, Jonas – you just did your first spy thing!” And then Jonas realizes it too, and he’s psyched, and they all talk about how cool it was and all, when meanwhile there’s a crazy killing machine outside McMann’s kitchen window that they have to go and deal with.

Bottom line – All (or at least mostly all) comedy comes from characters. Figure out who Jonas is, and then figure out who Freddie and Nora are in relation to him. In this draft, Freddie is too similar to Jonas. Maybe instead, he could be a more unwilling accomplice to the whole adventure. Maybe he’s always kicking Jonas’s ass in Splinter Cell and talking tons of trash, but when it comes down to real life action, he wimps out. Contrast him with Jonas to bring out the comedy in both of them. And Nora too – she’s been pretty bland – but I love what this week’s winner did with her – maybe she’s the most pretty, popular girl in the school, but what nobody knows about her is that she’s a closet nerd. Loves geeking out on spy stuff. Or even just a big fan of spy movies – that’s where she learned all of her spy techniques from – a great way to get laughs would be to have Nora use very recognizable techniques from spy movies everybody knows. Make the comedy more self-referential – 3 kids involved in a major espionage operation, whose entire espionage knowledge base comes from video games, James Bond, and The Goonies – that will make people laugh.

One last thing about characters: A good trick to see if you have distinguished your characters enough is to cover the “Character” lines in your script, and just read the dialogue. It should be clear from the dialogue who is saying the lines. (Full disclosure: I have a hard time with this myself, and often my characters sound alike – at least in my early drafts. But keep working at it – even just being conscious of this exercise will force you to make characters more distinct.)

Okay, I feel like I’ve written an entire screenplay here. If you’re still reading, thank you. My advice as to where to go from here would be to focus on the last 12 pages that were written. They had the playful tone that I think you should continue. The Aston Marten. The International Spy Museum. The corpulent woman on the subway screaming “I’ve been thieved!” These all give the movie a flavor that will help the script sell. Give Jonas, Freddie and Nora distinct characters – characters that will dictate how they go about remedying the situation they are in. The Jonas and Nora love story obviously needs to be addressed. Her handling of the dweeby guy in the museum showed us a side of her we hadn’t seen before. Maybe now she fesses up about all of her spy knowledge. Maybe she ultimately saves Jonas and he sees her for how cool she is and not just because she’s the prettiest girl in school.

Again, I am really jealous of you all, because you’ve got a script bursting with opportunity. Strong choices about tone and character in the next 30 pages and rewrite will make this a really strong story. I look forward to reading where you take things from here…



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