Sydney Starkes
June 28, 2009: Week 11 Winner
Sydney first delved into writing as a kid growing up in rural Newfoundland. Though he stuck with it for several years, it eventually took a place on the back burner when he moved to Northern British Columbia as a teen and took up playing guitar in a band. Now living in Vancouver, still playing in the same band, Sydney has renewed his interest in writing and ventured into screenwriting, with Cowrite being his first experience with a writing contest. Currently working on several projects, Sydney hopes to build a solid portfolio of writing samples and is contemplating a return to school to study for a degree in creative writing.

As far as first drafts go, I think there’s a lot to be proud of here. We’ve gone from a three line premise to a one hundred and fifteen page script chock full of action, comedy, suspense and most important of all, fun. The first draft is laced with conventions of the spy genre, from jocular references to our favorite spy movies of the past, to thrilling scenes through uncharted territory. The story and characters have been well established, and now it’s time to go in-depth and explore which elements worked best and which ones need improvement to increase our chances of creating a salable script.

The main focus moving forward should be to build on the marketability and to broaden its overall appeal. This means doing so for both the audience as well as the potential production company, director and eventual cast and crew. We need to know what we’re selling, and that means knowing our story and our characters inside out. The majority of the following will examine what we’ve already established with the story itself and the characters therein, and how we can expound on this foundation to develop the most intriguing plot possible, along with fully realized, three dimensional characters that speak to the actors taking on those roles, as well as the audience. All of this will bring us closer to the ultimate goal, which is, of course, getting this screenplay produced.

Story and Main Characters...

In reading through the completed first draft of the screenplay, it seems that most of the real work needs to come near the start of the script. For now though, let’s glance over the script as a whole, focusing on the main story line and the most important characters. After that we’ll spend a little time on the subplots of the story and some of the more minor characters, as well as the elements of the script we need to maintain and build upon to keep the script fun, upbeat, action-packed and fresh.

Let’s start with the most important of matters - our protagonist, Jonas Bernstein. We know from the moment we’re introduced to him, even just from a glimpse of his bedroom, that he aspires to become some sort of secret agent or spy. The question that lingers is why. Does he want to do it because he’s seen too many spy movies and wants to be suave and charming like James Bond, or maybe gritty and unstoppable like Jason Bourne? Maybe it’s because he’s tired of feeling unimportant and wants to make an impact with his life?

The most profound answer lies with the absence of his father.

Without his dad around to guide him, Jonas has turned to Harry Walters, the retired CIA agent from next door. As it stands in the first draft, Jonas doesn’t realize this about Harry until after he witnesses Raul break into his house. However, if we establish early on that Jonas already suspects Harry to be an ex-spy, then his motivation becomes more apparent. He’s simply following in the footsteps of the only father figure he really has. Of course, the life of a spy is also full of appeal for a teenager, from fast cars and beautiful women to high-tech gadgets and nonstop heroics - but there still needs to be a viable motivation for Jonas to pursue this particular goal. As we’re about to see, everything in the story will evolve out of Jonas’s initial goal, so we’d better make his intentions seem real from the get-go, and not just a vehicle for telling a spy story.

For starters, it’s evident early on that Jonas only sees the glamorous side of the spy world. This is perhaps best expressed when he gloats to Freddie that “he can’t talk about work because then he’d have to kill him.” The Tom Clancy posters in his bedroom, his gimmicky iPhone and ambitious disguises (pizza boy, anyone?) are indicative of this mindset. Given this knowledge, we can now turn his story into one where he discovers the responsibility of this kind of career, where every action holds dire consequences, and the only person you can trust is yourself. This discovery will eventually lead him to make a choice at the end - a choice where, for the first time, Jonas really does become the hero, and he does it for the right reasons.

Act One...

With that in mind, Jonas’s desire to be a spy should propel the story forward in the first act. A good place to start could be raising the price tag on Truth Camp. That way, in his initial onscreen conversation with Freddie we can establish that it’s unlikely Jonas will be able to raise enough money by the end of the school year to attend the summer course, as opposed to it being a somewhat easily obtained goal, which results in little or no conflict. This will pay off a short while later when Jonas comes across Ava at Harry’s place and gets wind of Cable’s plot. Jonas will see what’s happening as an opportunity for real-life experience in the spy field, and by involving himself, a possible way to fast track his way into the CIA and avoid Truth Camp altogether. It’s this selfish motivation that proves to be his flaw - something that seemed to be missing in the first draft (unless you count his physical weakness as his flaw - which, while important, is an external issue, and doesn’t carry as much weight...no pun intended). A hefty Truth Camp price tag would also give some credibility to the idea of an elite group of its graduates that band together in an evil alliance. Those that constitute the C.H.Y.N.E.E.S. should be the sons and daughters of the rich and the powerful - not the sons and daughters of anyone with $1900.

As we move onward through act one, we come to one of the bigger gray areas of this first draft. As it stands, Harry seems to let Jonas into an incredibly dangerous situation with barely so much as an argument. A simple fix would be to have Harry flat out forbid him to become involved (which only makes sense given all the factors at play). Jonas can then choose to disobey those orders, and as a result will find himself in possession of the data prism after Harry’s house is blown to smithereens. One possibility for making this work is to have Jonas (with or without Nora and/or Freddie) sneak back into Harry’s house and find the hatch to the underground office. While staked out inside, he overhears the conversation about taking the data prism to Julian McMann, then seconds later the house is hit by Raul’s missile. Jonas then finds the prism amidst the rubble, though there’s no sign of Harry and Ava, and is propelled headfirst into an already fun and exciting second act.

With a little tightening and revising, all of this can be established rather quickly. The audience can have a firm grip on most of the characters, the premise and what’s at stake by the twenty minute mark of the film, and we can move into the real meat of the movie shortly thereafter, which will allow some more time to really make those terrific action sequences shine. More importantly, we’ll have a firmer grasp on what all of this has to do with Jonas.

Act Two...

As we move through the second act, we find that many of the right elements are already in place. The introduction of the brilliant Julian (both figuratively and literally) and the subsequent revelation of McMann working with Cable keeps the story moving at breakneck pace and keeps our protagonist very much on his toes. The only thing that needs a bit of a closer look is Harry’s escape from the burn unit, and the resulting ‘hole’ in which Cable simply reappears back at his command post after being knocked out. It might serve our audience a little better if perhaps we have Harry and Cable come face to face, or if a game of cat and mouse leads us through the hospital corridors until Harry makes off in Cable’s SUV. Definitely an opportunity to see the skills of these two veterans put to the test outside of a physical confrontation. There are also some other ‘quick fixes’ to be made, such as when an underling tells Cable that Jonas has gone to see McMann and Cable reacts as if he’s never even heard of her - but that’s the type of thing that generally irons itself out in the process of a rewrite.

The freeway scene works perfectly as precursor to the midpoint of the story, which is when Harry and Ava are captured and Cable regains control of the data prism. This is the moment when Jonas begins to really get proactive in trying to stop Cable, as opposed to the first half of the second act where he and the audience find out more about what’s really happening with the schematics and Cable’s plot. Furthermore, the visual of the car being split in half and separating the group in two is astounding, if even a little tongue-in-cheek (in a good way). From there, as we barrel towards the third and final act, almost everything about the story is out in the open and waiting to be tied up. Harry and Ava are alive; McMann is working with Cable; Cable has all the elements he needs to complete the sale of military intelligence to a mysterious group of buyers.

Something else to keep in mind while rewriting the crucial second act is the themes of trust and betrayal. As Jonas leads the way, he needs to develop suspicions of those around him. Ava is a sure target, but it wouldn’t hurt if Jonas began to have doubts about Harry’s intentions either. After they both miraculously survive the explosion, Jonas should begin trying to piece together the puzzle on his own. It’s also a good opportunity to show his smarts as he probes them both on where they’ve been, and what they’ve been up to in their absence. These types of red herrings will keep the audience guessing, but won’t eventually muddle their experience with the film, so long as we’ve done a good enough job of letting them inside Jonas’s head, which goes back to strengthening his character development in the first act.

The second act is also a good time to explore the parallels between Jonas and Cable. While full of opposites, they both also share many of the same characteristics. The opposites are easy - Jonas is just an inexperienced kid, while Cable is a seasoned mastermind of the spy world. Then of course there’s Jonas’s quest for good, and Cable’s quest for evil. The biggest parallel, though, comes through in their similarities, and it’s also the greatest opportunity to build tension as we near their inevitable face-off.

This is their mutual love of technology.

Think about it. Cable is the Director of the CIA’s Science and Technology Division. He clearly has an interest in the hi-tech aspect of the spy business, as does the eager and bright Jonas. How each chooses to use his knowledge and passion, however, creates an interesting dichotomy. The more it’s explored, it also hints to the audience that Jonas will not have an easy time defeating Cable in the final act. Jonas’s biggest weapons are his smarts and knowledge of technology - assets that Cable possesses in spades. So how will good triumph over evil? This is a question you want to eat away at your audience in the second half of act two. It should seem impossible for Jonas to overcome such a worthy opponent.

Lastly, there’s room to explore the links in both Jonas and Cable’s motives. Doesn’t Cable seem like he might’ve started off much like Jonas? A bright young man with aspirations of achievement and purpose in life? So what turned him along the way, and more importantly, is Jonas destined to experience the same fate? This could add a very nice touch to the final showdown at Truth Camp (hello, irony) and could emphasize the low point that Jonas hits as he contemplates his options before heading back to Truth Camp for his final challenge. Moreover, taking a little time to explore Cable’s motives will provide the chance to give him a human element - something I felt was missing in the initial draft. While obviously a mighty villain, Cable is a little too static as it stands. Exploring his human or ‘good’ side, for lack of a better word, will generate interest in his character and make him more believable. It will also give his sinister moments more impact onscreen. Finally, it goes back to the marketability of the script and its appeal to acting talent. If we want a brilliantly portrayed Cable Reign, we need to write him brilliantly.

Act Three...

The short but exciting third act is probably the most solid of them all, which, again is only natural to see when progressing through the first draft. It’s clear by the time we get to that point that the writers know the characters, their motivations and their goals, and a very nice job is done with tying together all the elements of the story. One suggestion I do have, though, is to step up the action. After some of the earlier scenes, we really want to go out with a bang, because we know the audience is going to expect it. The first thing likely to come into their minds at the conclusion of the fantastic freeway sequence is ‘how are they gonna top that?’. We can’t lose sight of audience expectation, and need to make the final bang the biggest and baddest of them all. As a positive, it shouldn’t be that hard to do. A slighted McMann might decide to unleash hell on Truth Camp and blow the whole place to bits and pieces as the climax unfolds...or maybe when Jonas overrides Julian, he instructs him to have the UCAV target take Truth Camp down. There’s a lot of room for irony in this type of ending as well. Remember, ‘the truth shall set you free’ - it would make a lasting impression to see this charred and cracked insignia lying on top of the rubble after the final battle, and just before we cut to the resolution of the story.

Secondary Characters...

On to a few of the more minor issues. First, we should look at scaling Freddie back in this story, specifically throughout the second and third acts. He’s great to have around as comic relief, but there should be a point where he’s out of the picture for a little while. Look at the scenes in which his presence (or comedic presence) is crucial to the tone of the story, and cut him out of the ones where it doesn’t measure up. For example, the scene with Raul and Freddie is classic. Many laughs, and a great bit of fun to see the ‘dumb’ one of each faction square off in a battle of (dim) wits. Once he’s fooled Raul, however, he doesn’t necessarily need to accompany Nora to McMann’s to deliver the data prism. A guy like Freddie would probably be so spooked he’d lock himself in his room for the next two years. It’s a good chance to get Jonas and Nora alone together, and Freddie can easily come back into the picture, for example, after the freeway chase. It might be a fun scene to have Freddie watching the carnage on the Six O'clock News just as a tattered and singed Jonas and Nora barge into his house to seek refuge.

Most importantly, though, Freddie needs to take more of a backseat in the last act of the script. His presence and his actions make things a little too easy for Jonas, when at this point in the story, they should only be harder and harder. That being said, I do think he needs to be in that final sequence, if only to provide the last bit of comic relief after the dust settles.

With the other characters, they’re pretty much good as they stand. Punching up each of their dialogue scenes and giving each a distinct and interesting trait is still very much important, but beyond that they’re already doing their job.

That being said, there may be some room for Ava and Walters to hash things out a bit more. I mean, we are talking about a divorced couple here. It seems a little bizarre that they barely squabble once throughout the movie. As professionals they’re likely to have different outlooks on how to best handle the situation at hand, and as ex-lovers those discussions are bound to turn into arguments. Again, this is something that can play up the comedic angle, but at the same time adds depth to the characters and to the story, making it a lasting and memorable experience.

Style...

The last thing I’d like to touch upon concerning this first draft is style.

By style I mean the different elements that come into play throughout the script. Things like the spy aspect, the comedic angle, the element of action and romance, and how we can offer it up in a new and exciting way. Outside of tightening up the main characters and story line, the importance of keeping this a somewhat lighthearted yet thoroughly entertaining movie cannot be understated. Again, the foundation is there - we just need to build on it a little bit more.

Let’s start with the spy element, one of the cooler and more prevalent aspects of the script. My main issue is that while we present some neat gadgetry, the level of technology featured needs to come up somewhat. Especially when it comes to Cable. He should be using technology that blows us out of our seats...I mean, he’s the Director of the CIA’s Science and Technology division, for crying out loud. I’m not saying the UCAV shouldn’t be the centerpiece of the movie (I like that it keeps things ambiguous and keeps the audience guessing what Cable is really up to). I just mean that when it comes to our four main action sequences (opening chase and theft of obsidian, end of act one explosion, midpoint freeway chase and the climactic shootout) we need to see the best of the best in technological warfare. The coolest of the cool. Cable would have access to some mind-blowing stuff, so let’s open our imaginations and pull out all the stops. If Ava can cling onto a sled at high speeds and infiltrate a convoy trucks driven by seasoned CIA vets, surely Cable can do more than point and shoot. Just handing him some more imaginative weapons would be a great start, and it would also compliment the nod to the spy flicks of old, setup in scenes like the Spy Museum and with the introduction of the classic Aston Martin. It’s always nice to see where we’ve come from, as well as where we’re headed, especially when it comes to technology. As I mentioned earlier, much of it is already in place with elements like Julian and the obsidian device, and upping the ante with this kind of imagination throughout the script will do wonders.

Next up is the comedic element, which is unquestionably driven by Jonas, Nora and Freddie, and their unfamiliarity with the situation they’ve found themselves in. In a movie like this, it’s important to keep that going throughout, but it’s a tough line to straddle. We want to keep things light enough throughout so that it doesn’t turn into a ‘serious’ drama, which will alienate some of our target audience, but we also don’t want it to turn into a full blown comedy, which will undermine the realism of the plot, and essentially turn this script into something of a spoof. In this particular case, I feel that the majority of the comedy comes through dialogue exchanges involving the kids. Freddie is the obvious comic relief, but Jonas and Nora have a few good lines themselves. We need to remember that they’re teens in an out-of-this-world situation, and they’re going to react in a much different way than adults. Many teens cope with tough situations by using their sense of humor, and our script should reflect that. For guidance, look at the tone and style of dialogue in the scenes leading up to and including the Spy Museum, as well as throughout the third act. Using that as the benchmark, rewriting the dialogue throughout the rest of the script should prove much easier, and will result in a tighter, more coherent read that keeps a goofy smile on your face throughout.

The last element I’d like to discuss is a little more minor, but very important nonetheless: The budding romance between Jonas and Nora.

It’s a classic case of the odd couple, intertwined with a geek-gets-the-girl plot. My only problem with it in the first draft, is that it’s just too easy. Sure, Jonas messes up once at the beginning when he sides with Harry over Nora, but after he apologizes and gets his second chance, there’s no looking back. As one of the main subplots of the movie, we want to make this journey difficult not just for Jonas, but for Nora as well. There are many ways to make it an uphill battle from the very start, for example by giving Nora a boyfriend, or maybe by showing her circle of friends poking fun at Jonas and Freddie in the hallways at school. Of course Nora doesn’t have to take part, but just having that pressure will instantly make their romance more intriguing, and will also provide an opportunity to give Nora a small character arc of her own. Another idea that jumped out was to make it known that Nora has an older boyfriend, one who has already graduated and possibly even gone to Truth Camp himself. If that were the case, how would Jonas ever stand a chance? It would definitely make for a more intriguing subplot, especially if her boyfriend turned out to be a member of the Truth Camp elite that Cable is planning to give the schematics to. Regardless, I think it’s worth keeping in mind that there are many possibilities to really make their relationship an interesting aspect of the story, and one that will pay off when they wind up together at the end.

Conclusion...

We all know that nothing is ever finished after the first draft. There’s much work left to be done, but ensuring that we know what direction to head in is half the battle. The first draft really set the tone and framework for what this movie should be, and, thanks to this, we have the makings of some great characters and a story that will appeal to a large audience.

This script definitely has the potential to turn into a hot commodity, and with a little love and some elbow grease, I’m sure it’ll get there in no time. Cheers to the community that worked, grew and learned together throughout the writing of this script, and to the excellent first draft screenplay it produced.

It’s been a slice.

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